Appreciating it all – before it’s gone

We humans are a funny lot. I make this judgment based on my personal experience as a human. And, I admit, I am a pretty quirky one. One of my more ridiculous human traits is to not fully appreciate something until it’s gone. 

Many instances of this revolve around my health. There was a cancer diagnosis 21 years ago that first opened my eyes to how poorly I treated my body and how little I appreciated all that made my life full and fun. The disease woke me up and I started appreciating everything more – including this physical vessel in which I have the pleasure of navigating life.

The cancer made me understand on a new level how fleeting health, and therefore life, can be. And I was doing little to make myself healthier, so I made some changes. I lost a lot of weight, became more active, ate better and felt great. But over time, old habits crept back in and old beliefs returned. My diet became less healthy, stress kept me feeling too burned out to exercise and I started to not feel the same surge of excitement and appreciation for each morning to which I awoke. I might still notice a hawk riding the thermals over the river valley, but I no longer made a point of stopping whatever else I was doing to watch it. 

Then, about a month ago, when I was falling behind in a fight against the respiratory crud that was going around, I went to the doctor and learned that a heart murmur, discovered a couple years ago, appeared to be getting worse. My general physician wanted me to do further tests to determine the extent of the murmur, which I did. With each test and procedure I became more and more alarmed, because each one seemed to be indicating I had something pretty serious going on. Eventually I was sent to a cardiologist and began learning about heart valve replacements and open-heart surgery. And with each piece of information I became more frightened and regretful that I had dropped the ball on taking good care of my body vehicle. I knew that if my body failed, I would fail and I once again took serious stock of my priorities and behaviors. I mean, I take better care of my car than I do my body. I tend my shoes better than I do my body! 

I was afraid I had let myself down. I had not only neglected my body, but I had regularly fed it poorly, under exercised it and rarely ever said a good thing about it. So when my heart health became a question, I began to freak out. We only have one heart and we are completely dependent upon it. Okay, yes, some people do get heart transplants, but even then they only have one heart at a time. And the truth is for all of us that if the heart goes bizarr-o, then life will inevitably change and usually not for the better. I was scared! 

But, the cardiologist had a nagging feeling that the echocardiogram that had indicated the aortic valve being severely jeopardized, might not be completely accurate, so she ordered a Trans Esophageal Echo And thank goodness she did because it indicated I have a bicuspid aortal valve, which basically means instead of three functioning flaps on that valve, I have only two. This is usually genetic, so it is likely I’ve had it since birth, but has grown more discernible with time. And since no one in my family has been diagnosed with it or has had heart issues, I never knew I had a wonky heart valve. 

Now I do and so, once again, I am waking up. Eventually that valve will have to be replaced, but it’s not to the point where that needs to happen now. I will see my cardiologist every six months unless I begin to have symptoms before then. Really the only limitation I have is I am not allowed to run marathons, which isn’t an issue for me. In fact, if you see me running know that it means someone is chasing me or I am chasing them.  I will also take a baby aspirin every day since having a bicuspid valve makes me more prone to a stroke. But that’s it.

Well, that’s it, as far as this medically applies to my heart. But that’s far from it when it comes to my awakening, or re-awakening. The morning after I learned what was really happening with my heart, I awoke for the first time in a month not worried about it or afraid. And, once again, I am finding a deeper, more appreciative connection with…well, everything, especially my body.

I don’t buy into the generally accepted belief that our bodies must degenerate with age. I can’t deny the long-term affects of gravity on a human body – I mean, my breasts and my thighs are inching ever closer to overtaking my knees – but I refuse to believe we have to suffer, even during our later stages of wisdom gathering. I know too many people who are healthy, vibrant and running circles around others decades younger than them to believe in a planned obsolescence of our bodies.  Okay. Yes, I know. They won’t last forever. All I’m hoping is that mine lasts, in as healthy a condition as possible, a little longer. For that to happen I must make my body a priority and take the best care I can of it.

 I have a lot more fun planned and I intend to show up for every minute of it.  There is a lot more laughter to experience, more hugs to enjoy, more kisses to return, more walks and deep to silly talks with friends, more exquisite meals and bottles of wine to share, and a lot more play time ahead. And I have a much deeper appreciation for every one of those things, including thousands of others from tiny to huge.

I’m also hoping that I don’t need another health crisis to wake me up to appreciating all that I have. It’s my intention to not forget just how fortunate I am and how beautiful every minute can be if I fully show up for it. I plan to appreciate it all as it comes and feel each moment as a grand gift that needs cherishing.

Learning that I am not facing immediate open-heart surgery tastes like freedom and I intend to eat it all up!!

About louannthomas

Speaker & writer
This entry was posted in Aging, As I see it, Finding my way, Health and Well Being, Transitions and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Appreciating it all – before it’s gone

  1. Morris Crisler says:

    As always, informative, casual, giving the reader a chance to explore, yet not holding anyone to your standard. Oh how I long for those divisive arguments we hear so often to be repressed. Thankful to hear your positive news of sustainable health. Lou Ann, you always bring seasoned words to ponder.
    My volunteer work has brought many folks into my life who have reminded me to appreciate each day, each event, each friend the Creator has placed into my life. Simple, ordinary days I did not appreciate (Our Town by TW). Short events that later became a solid, valued memory, and friends, some times very brief friends who have changed my life forever.
    We have each been given the passion to enjoy the ordinary. You have expressed it well.


  2. Clark P says:

    Thank you for sharing such detail on your discovery. It is definitely a wakeup call when we discover something serious developing in our body or life. You positively responding and rising up to meet the challenge is what truly matters. You inspire us all to take a look at ourselves and see where we may need a little polishing or sprucing up. Keep taking great care of yourself. You have many great years ahead- maybe the best discoveries yet to come! Thank you for your well written, honest sharing. Clark


  3. Martie warnow says:

    It’s so easy to identify with this honest view in self neglect! We’ve all been there and I’m sure many of us have the same “self chatter” you’ve had. We were all strong, vibrant teens then life hits with so many responsibilities we tend to let our needs go over family, careers, making ends meet, frivolity, etc. We don’t realize at the time we will face the moments you talked about. Hopefully, it’s not too late to get the chance to take charge and manage our bodies and our minds. I like to think I take fewer risks and make wiser choices but I frequently fail my expectations of discipline. When I do fail I try to get back on track and not beat myself up too badly. Thanks for always giving us a chance to reflect on our past and what is ahead. Good luck with the medical management of your ❤️ needs but remember to pamper your emotional needs too. Let’s do lunch again.

    Liked by 1 person

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